::Fairy On The Moon::

Sometimes life is cruel

And Sometimes i wonder what good is passion, without the substance and talent.
Its cruel..and torturous how much passion i have inside of me to act..and to sing. I really love acting and singing..but its sad because i will always be mediocre..

Sometimes i try harder, but its true..if u wanna perform..u can only be the best. There is no space of mediocre.
And its like i love the stage..but i have stage fright..Oh the irony of it all? such a strange paradox..
But i wanna be better then myself, but sometimes circumstances don't allow it.
How can i love something so much..but so unable to fufil a dream...its painful. SOme people spend a life time wondering what they love..and where their passion lies..but i already know, but yet i am forever seperated from it by a deep chasm..and irreparable gap..that will never meet.

And sometimes i feel like a souless creature plodding aimlessly through the thick malicious thickets..in this forest called life. A trecherous journey sometimes, i must say.

i love theatre and i love the stage.

question is..was it made for me?

And I spent half my life time dreaming about literature.. Oh the thrill i used to feel just reading books..and dissecting the passages one by one! The Glee i felt when i spotted the hidden meanings..and the extreme pleasure i felt when i discovered the deep symbols..like gems and hidden lovingly inside the book! Oh..i thought from the first day i opened my lit book and discovered the extreme joys of lit, and felt a kind of passion i could never for another subject. And from that day..i knew i was going to do literature all the way to university.

So the years went pass..and saw the through..i never got anything less then an A1 for lit. I demanded perfection in my essays..and easily topped the class. i felt good..coz at least i knew my passion was rewarded with talent.

Now years down the road. Here i am in univeristy. Living out a dream. I am living the life i knew i would live since sec one. I am doing what i thought i loved all my life. But then suddenly..as i am in university now..i am struck with seeds of doubt. Is this really what i love?

Was i doing literature my whole life ONLY because i was good at it...and not coz i liked it? This cannot be..but somehow as i entered uni..and started on the literature causes..to my dismay..i find my love of literature slipping out of the window. And i am scared. And panicking.

Because i feel so displaced. I never pictured myself doing anything else other then that. And now that things don;t seem to look very good..and i seem to be fast losing my talent in literature. It seems to be slipping out of my grasp even faster then i can hold it in.

then maybe i realise..This isn't what im meant to do.

and its scaring me.

Because almost from the start..i was so sure this was what i was meant to do

And if this isnt't it..then what am i meant to do?
and its making me a mental and emotional wreck..how can one come to terms with sucha reality. Am i still doing lit because its a safety net? Because i don't think i can do anything else?

But uni lit if not the same..i don't deny that occasionally the feeling of excitment still creeps up my back when i reach for my book..and wonder what hidden treasures lie within.. but its fast waning. its fast waning. and I becoming worried. Coz i am like already 20 and i should know what i wanna do with my life.

And suddenly i am not very sure anymore.

I am on a stage now. I know the directions. I know The Dialogue. But somehow i can't seem to move or speak.
And as the spotlight shines upon my face, i run away. This is what i wanted..the spotlight..the limelight..the applause.
But i can't face it
..coz somehow i have a feeling this stage dosent belong to me.

dawn fairy on the moon at 9/23/2004

Tuesday, September 14, 2004

after reading my blog...i jus realised that i COMPLETELY FORGOT to announce the results of rag..( now that seemed like such a long time ago)

WE WON!!

haha..i guessed i must have been so completely swept away by the results, overwhelmed with exaustion and overcome with euphoria..i forgot about it completely! Haiz..as in i forgot to write..yes..and im still recovering from the after effects.. after 3 months of being so completely Shack-ed out ..im still not recovered yet! But i finally do understand the meaning of great accomplishments..for 3 months back i never thought i would be able to complete.

..as the overwhelming pile of work greeted me day after day..and night after night..i still remember by fear...the feeling of wanting to give up..and quit and leave.
Honestly i have no idea what it was that made me stay. i was never one known for hard work..and rag..is not just hardwork. ..it s a complete understatement..haha.
No idea what spirit within me made me stay..made me push myself harder..made me wipe aside my tears..made me pick myself up..made me be strong.
But when i recall my pure esctacy when the results were announced..i know that this journy had indeliably changed out lives forever..even mine too :)
Who would have thought Miss vain pot here could survive on 3 hours of sleep per night..not comb her hair..or look into a mirror for 3 months. I was finally getting better then myself :)
And i laugh..coz i never thought i would get so emotional over cardboard..and recycled materials..haha..but the tears kept flowing freely..and unbridled from my eyes, like a never ending stream..and i can't even begin to describe the feeling which emanated from my heart! But on hindsight, those tears were not shed over "mere cardboard", but over the blood, sweat and tears..those many cuts on my hands..the harsh times that made us all stronger. At least now i know..i am capable of hard work..haha :)

dawn fairy on the moon at 9/14/2004

i can't stand james joyce. Anyone who has read "Ulysses" or "a potrait of the artist young man" will know that the idea of him being "the best writer of our time" is utterly ludicrious. His book is utter crap/nonsense and baloney from start to finish. Here's a quote, its laughable.. "when you wet the bed first it is warm then it gets cold." Hello James honey..do we really care? No..actually we don't. Bah. I can't believe i have to put up with this book. And its kinda freaky how my lecturer can get so passionate over joyce. I don't understand how this is possible!
I don't get it man..wads with all these 'stream of consciousness" writers nowadays? it seems to be like the in thing! Well..my lecturer says i write in streams of consciousness..but i don't do it on purpose!
i don't get why these people wld! These novels have ZERO plot. ZERO characterisation. ZERO fun..ZERO anything! What ever happened to those good old novels..with good old plots, decent characters..with an ACTUAL STORY LINE..and good witty punch lines? what happened to the Austens and the Brontes???? What happened to the GOOD OLD traditional classics which were actually enjoyable? Bah..
Joyce is supposed to be comedic. Well at least they got that right. I find the idea of having to pay twenty bucks to read such trash highly amusing. Comedic indeed.

i wonder how that old geezer looked like? hmm..everyone's writing such avant garde novels now and passing it of as literature. Unique..im not denying..but then again..with got all the Samuel Becketts..and Woolfs who are doing it too. My classmates tell me "Molloy" is worse then "Ulysses". That must be a fallacy. How can anything be worse then Ulysses? haiz..i feel as though all my cash has been swallowed up by a giant drain :(
maybe i shld have done asian american lit. Well the english is alot worse..and alot less chiem..so at least i'll understand something. ..

ok..check out the review.."joyce produced nothing but masterpieces.." Come on! who are these guys kidding..

dawn fairy on the moon at 9/14/2004